15 septembre 2016 4 15 /09 /septembre /2016 14:34

   

Poème en prose (en anglais)

 

Waiting in silence

 

Tatjana Deblejački

  

 

I had no other choice because I loved him. I had no other future but to yearn for another phone call asking me on a date. I went out only when I really had to. Sometimes Ifelt that he might come. I hated dreams whose cruelty tore me apart. I rushed everywhere in fear of missing his phone call, but in vain. I stopped myself from turning on some music or a hair dryer, terrified of the noise butting the sound of the phone. When the phone rang, my soul was ready to pick it up – it wasn’t him! Oh God, why are you doing this to me ! Anticipation, endless, painful, obviously filled with jealousy. What am I really waiting for ? I was seized by the moment. I was in constant fear anticipating his steps, the sound of the door closing quietly. He left me for three, four days between his arrivals and departures. I didn’t want to think about anything else. I waited and repeated to myself: He’ll come, he’ll come, I know he will. I’d say these things solemnly as if to justify or comfort myself. Every time, something was added to our relationship but nothing changed, except the waiting, the waiting that took all the time, the time that passed through me. We accepted the risk of love. Think about it. You never lied to me, that’s what you said while I stood in front of the truth, disappointed. Don’t compare my love model to hers. While you sing here, she’s gone. Ask for this confession, you only have desire and nothing else. It is at your hand, it’s in your nature and you can’t escape it. Say my name, say it at least to yourself. Outside that bed, somebody else is dying of the same desire. Damn you. Give me the right to stand up to her in your head. Two weeks of phone calls, promises to come, I believed them a thousand times, but a thousand and first I cannot. How am I feeling now? Nothing can be changed not even by the reality of the voice. It’s a challenge of pleasure, the future pain. I wanted to learn your language, fly somewhere on the plane, choose some silk of your taste, enjoy the citruses, feel my body as a whole. Wake me up on the isle of love, take me back to dreams. Waiting is just the time that lasts, where it’s lost – it’s not lost. The time that lasted, the time I didn’t want to stop. The most beautiful time of my life which I didn’t want to end. I’m tired, tired – who cares ? I’ll wait again for you to come to my flat. How will you caress my morning, which of your kisses will wake me up? I’ll say: Honey, guess what happened to me? Somebody hit me on the head. Somebody wanted to chase you out. All broken, I still cannot pick up the pieces. I admit I’m confused. I lived with you in my imagination for so long while you were gone. All alone, now I have to invent you in order to bring you back to life. In as many ways as there are those of losing you. Let it not be long and sad, God! I need to invent. All these years, I might have been creating a false picture of you. You might have become a creature of imagination and not a man of flesh and blood who walks with people and celebrities. I still don’t have the courage to compare the truth with reality. I’m afraid, be patient, be gentle while I’m calling you between the two seasons. Be patient with a silly and stubborn woman. We should have met long ago, we should have done it while I was waiting and being silent. What I did was crawl into myself like a snail. Be patient, deep inside I feel that I need to wait for a turnover. I felt alive again when I heard you were coming, it makes me happy thinking that you still might want to do so. I’m so emotional, I simply cried because of my soul, cried with anger or was it panic? I thought I was able to forget your-my face in all of these years. Suddenly, the pressure is here again like an iron mask. Don’t be afraid, I’ll gather my courage again. Sooner or later, we’ll meet again and look each other in the eye. When ? I don’t know. I don’t know. *

 

 

* Publication programmée dans le numéro spécial 2016.

 

 

***

 

Pour citer ce texte

Tatjana Deblejački, « Waiting in silence »Le Pan poétique des muses|Revue féministe, internationale & multilingue de poésie entre théories & pratiques : Lettre n°8 [En ligne], mis en ligne le 15 septembre 2016. Url : http://www.pandesmuses.fr/2016/09/waiting.html

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